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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30059274">I Remember</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbcorman/pseuds/jbcorman'>jbcorman</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Julie and The Phantoms (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:07:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,722</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30059274</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbcorman/pseuds/jbcorman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you guys remember dying?"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Remember</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Salt air blew in Reggie’s face as he watched the waves crash up around the pier. His left leg dangled over the side of the wooden structure while his right was pulled up beside himself so that his hands and chin rested on his knee. Drops of saltwater phased through him and a part of him wished, rather fleetingly, that he could feel them. That part of him was drowned out, though, by memories. Reggie had tried his best to keep them at bay, had kept on smiling even as they tugged at his mind like claws trying to pull him into the darkness. He had tried so hard. But all it took was one word. One stupid, tiny word, and he was sent back there.</p>
<p>To the night they died.</p>
<p>To lying on the ground, curled in on himself, in more pain than he ever thought it was possible to be in.</p>
<p>To watching his brothers throw up blood.</p>
<p>To begging them to stay even as the light faded from their eyes.</p>
<p>Pulling his other leg up, Reggie wrapped his arms around his stomach and buried his face in his knees. He tried to take slow breaths even as his heart began to beat faster and faster. Tears dripped from his eyelashes into his lap as, despite his effort, the scream Luke let out when he saw his own missings persons poster on the wall above the couch pierced his ears. He shook violently as the image of Alex seizing played out again and again behind his eyes in a never-ending loop. And, as the waves crashed against the pier it drowned out the voice of a 17-year-old boy as he begged for the universe to spare the only family he had ever had.</p>
<p>He had no idea how long he stayed like that, fighting the demons that only he seemed to remember, but when he finally looked up the sky was pitch black. </p>
<p>A resigned “fuck” left his mouth as he realized he completely missed practice.</p>
<p>The others were going to kill him.</p>
<p>Taking a deep breath, Reggie wiped his eyes, got to his feet, and poofed back to the studio. No sooner had he appeared than he stumbled backward as the small but fierce force of Julie ran into him, arms and legs clamping around him in a grip he knew he would never get out of.</p>
<p>“Reggie! Where have you been? We were so worried!”</p>
<p>“Yeah, man, what gives? What happened to our system?” Luke demanded as he marched up to them, hands on his hips. Eyes betraying the sheer relief at seeing his friend safe. </p>
<p>Guilt bubbles up Reggie’s throat as he wrapped his arms tight around Julie, “I’m really sorry, guys, I was at the beach and lost track of time. I promise I’ll practice all the harder tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“Reggie,” Alex said, hands deep in his pockets, “it’s almost one in the morning. Practice was supposed to be at six. That’s more than just losing track of time.”</p>
<p>Reggie blinked. “What?” </p>
<p>Pulling away from her friend, Julie looked up at Reggie with wide, concerned eyes. “You’ve been gone for nine hours, Reg. We were worried sick.”</p>
<p>“Have you been crying?” Luke asked suddenly, arms dropping to his sides, eyes wide with worry. </p>
<p>Reggie reared back, arms shooting to his face to swipe the sleeve of his flannel across his eyes. “It’s nothing, just some sand.”</p>
<p>“Reg,” Alex’s voice was soft as he slid his hands out of his pockets and stepped closer, “talk to us.”</p>
<p>The bassist swallowed thickly. He couldn’t tell them. He couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair, especially to Alex. It wasn’t their problem. </p>
<p>Julie’s small hands wrapped around his. Her eyes were wide as she looked at him imploringly, tilting her head just enough so that their eyes connected. “Please, Reggie.”</p>
<p>That’s what did him in: those wide, kind, brown eyes that were so full of love and shone brightly with unshed tears at the thought of someone she loved hurting. As though the strings that had been holding him together were cut, Reggie’s entire body slumped and he let out a tired sigh.</p>
<p>“That’s not fair.” He whispered. Pulling his hands out of her grasp he ran one of them down his face before walking over to the couch and dropping on it. He immediately felt a thump beside him. He didn’t need to look to know it was Luke’s arm that dropped heavily on his shoulder or that it was Alex that sat on the coffee table in front of him, knees grazing his. Julie cautiously approached the arm of the couch as though she were afraid of intruding, but Reggie simply reached out to grab her hand again and pulled her close.</p>
<p>Tears filled his eyes again as he tried to think of a way to tell his friends the truth, but how were you supposed to tell the people you love that every time they make a joke or their boyfriend calls them the name of a food that you are brought back, with stunning clarity, to the worst night of your life? How was he supposed to tell them what if felt to watch them die, to watch the light drain out of their eyes? How was he supposed to tell them that for one horrible hour, he had lived thinking he was all alone? </p>
<p>Taking a deep breath, he asked softly, “Do you guys remember dying?”</p>
<p>Luke’s arm tightened around his shoulders and Alex’s knees pressed more firmly into his.</p>
<p>“Of course.” Alex said softly, “It’s kinda hard to forget when a hotdog betrays you.”</p>
<p>The last part, Reggie knew, was meant as a joke, but all it did was make him flinch and cause more tears to fall. Not taking his eyes off his knees, he braced himself. “But do you remember the actual dying part? I mean, I know we all remember how we died, but do you remember dying?”</p>
<p>The silence following this question was deafening. Fortunately, or unfortunately, as it were, it didn’t last long as Julie sucked air in through her teeth before asking quietly, “Do you?”</p>
<p>Not trusting himself to answer verbally, Reggie nodded. </p>
<p>“Reg.” Alex sounded devastated as both his hands grabbed Reggie’s knees.</p>
<p>Luke choked, emotions knotting tightly in his throat in that way that meant he was about to start sobbing. Pulling Reggie into his side, the guitarist placed his free hand on the side of Reggie’s face and pulled it into his shoulder. </p>
<p>Julie’s hand shook as she gripped his tighter than would have been possible if he was still alive.</p>
<p>It shouldn’t have been possible to cry so much in one day.</p>
<p>With his face hiding deep in Luke’s shoulder, Reggie broke. Sobs wracked his body. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, guys! I know it’s not fair, you guys don’t deserve to deal with this.” </p>
<p>“No, Reggie!” Luke was sobbing now, “How could you think that?” he positively crushed Reggie to his chest, “How could you think for an instant that there was anything for you to be sorry for?”</p>
<p>“Because you guys are happy and I shouldn’t be taking that away from you.”</p>
<p>Hands cupped his cheeks and pulled him out of Luke’s shoulder forcing him to look up at Alex’s tear-stained face. His eyes burned. “Do you think it makes us happy to know that you’re hurting like this? Do you think it makes us happy to know that you’ve been suffering all this time and we didn’t know? Tell me, Reginald, if I was the one to remember or Luke, and not you, would you be happy about it?”</p>
<p>Reggie choked. He closed his eyes.</p>
<p>The grip on his face tightened, “Open your eyes and answer me!” Alex’s voice was soft but firm in that way that told Reggie he needed to listen. Swallowing tightly, Reggie pried his eyes open.</p>
<p>“No.” He breathed.</p>
<p>Alex’s face softened. “We love you, Reggie, more than anything else in the world,” though he couldn’t see it, Reggie felt Luke nodding his head frantically, “we may not be able to make you forget, and it may hurt us that you're hurting, but we’d rather know so we can help you then be happy while you suffer.” Thumbs caressed his cheeks and he closed his eyes again and leaned into the touch.</p>
<p>“It’s because of us, isn’t it? It’s because we were joking about them wasn’t it; the hotdogs?” Julie asked, voice thick with her own tears.</p>
<p>This time it was Alex that sucked in a breath, “and all those times Willie called me that. Oh, Reg.”</p>
<p>Unable to bear how heartbroken Alex sounded, Reggie pulled his face from the other boy’s hand and buried it back into Luke’s shoulder. Luke curled around him, tears dripping into Reggie’s hair. </p>
<p>“You were happy,” Reggie whispered.</p>
<p>“There are other ways to be happy than making you suffer.” Luke’s voice was small, but Reggie could hear the guilt saturating each word.</p>
<p>“It’s not your fault.”</p>
<p>Julie kissed the back of Reggie’s knuckles, “It’s not yours either.”</p>
<p>The four of them stayed like that for a long time, tears and words of love flowing freely, until the first rays of light filtered into the studio. A large yawn from Julie finally broke them apart. Despite being dead, Reggie felt wrung out. Opening the couch bed, the four of them curled up as best they could with Reggie in the middle, on his side with Alex curled around his back. Julie pressed herself tightly to Reggie’s chest with Luke spooning her. Reggie fell asleep instantly. He woke up a couple of times; when Ray came to find Julie; when Luke and Alex began to hum and run a hand through his hair respectively when the nightmares came; when Julie came back and crawled in next to him once again, but every time he did, he soon fell back to sleep knowing he was safe and loved and care for.</p>
<p>He knew this wouldn’t be the last time the memories came back to haunt him, just like he knew it wouldn’t be the last time tried to hide it from his friends. But just knowing Luke, Julie, and Alex were by his side was enough, and maybe that was what he really needed all along.</p>
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